the ever-puzzling question: can people change? not just change little things, for instance, food tastes or clothing styles or whatever, but big things like values. if a person cheats on his partner of many years can he ever have a lasting relationship where he won't cheat? if a person abuses drugs or alcohol can he/she ever exist in a world where substance abuse doesn't create problems in life? if a person grows up with racist ideas and exclusive attitudes can they really grow to accept all others as equals? can people change the framework in which they were raised or the things they, long ago, defined as what was right and just?
i guess i'm thinking about this because of the movie i just watched, "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." if you haven't seen it, i'm about to give away the punchline so stop reading. essentially these two people meet and have a relationship. things go sour and they break up. one of them is so haunted by their relationship and so eager to move on that she has all memories of her ex-boyfriend erased using some strange brain-altering medical technique. they boyfriend finds out and decides to erase her as well. in the process of erasing, he realizes he wants to keep memories of her, and that the two of them still have a chance. but it's too late and when the process is done they have both forgotten one another.
however, history repeats itself and the two find each other post memory ablation and immediately are drawn back into the same pattern only now a disgruntled and guilty employee of the institution where they had the procedure done has sent them evidence of what has happened...namely audio tapes of them talking about what they didn't like about each other. this ends up being creepy for both and they get scared and wierded-out. in the last scene, they have heard the worst thoughts each of them ever had about each other at the sourest points in their relationship...all the dirty below-the-belt shit. so, they decide to separate for good, only to have one of those scenes where one goes running after the other in a melodramatic way to save whatever they have at the last moment.
dipti and i argue about what happens next. the man pleads that they try to start over and the woman's expression says that she wants to but she relates her fears that she will end up hating him just as she did before. and he says something like "o.k." and they stand staring at each other in the hallway.
i think they decide to try to get back together with this hindsight, knowing that they already know the worst parts of their relationship, the absolute worst things they can think of each other. with hindsight everything can be o.k. and they are already prepared to deal and adapt to each other.
dipti thinks they acknowledge that history will only repeat itself and people inevitably will react in a similar way to similar things so knowing that part of someone's personality will be hurtful to you later doesn't mean that they're going to adjust, rather that it will just hurt again.
i always thought the end of the movie sucked cause it implied that they got back together and worked things out and i basically thought that was crap and totally unrealistic. after watching it a second time, i think dipti's take might be right...that they don't actually get back together, or they do and things end up shitty again. that, to me, is more believable. because i don't think people change who they are at the core. i think people essentially stay the same. we evolve and grow, but who we are never changes. personality isn't pliable, unless you are an extraordinary person who works incredibly hard at changing. and i think something incredible - either good or bad - has to happen to create the right conditions for that change....like death or something.
phew. that's just my take. i know it's a glass-half-empty perspective, but i have had proof in life to make me feel this way so it's hard for me to believe otherwise. deep down i want to trust that people can change, but i just don't think it happens very often. i think we all spend too much time hoping that people will grow up or change into the people we think they should be. the truth is, most people are pretty satisfied with who they are. they are mature enough to reason through their decisions, and even when there are negative consequences people will stand beside their own judgment and trust their own intuition a hell of a lot more than they will trust yours. this happens despite outcome.
in the context of relationships and love two people either work together and grow together in a healthy way or they don't. things aren't always good, but the way in which you deal with them, the way in which resolve conflict dictates how you work together on a more global level. to me, that is love. love is realizing your limitations and not making those the highlight of your relationship. highlight the good stuff.
i'm tired and think i will mindlessly watch some bad friday night television.
