time
just as a prologue, i just spent the better part of an hour writing this entry and i lost it...so i'm tired and this will bit a bit more choppy than my last one.
time has different meanings throughout different points in life.
time is something i value now more than i ever have.
today was my first day of work in the hospital as a doctor.
i woke up this morning at 5:45 and drove to work missing a multiple myeloma walk that i spent the last 2 weeks helping plan. i missed it so that i could learn how to run the surgical intensive care unit, by myself, if needed.
at 11am i was released from duty and given tomorrow (sunday) off. i know that this block of time off is a huge gift and i probably won't have another juicy moment like this for a while.
so i came home with my mom, who is visiting to help make seal beach, california feel more like home. i came home to an empty bed and no one to break down my thoughts with. my parents and i talk, but we've never had the sort of relationship where we talk and talk and talk. there's a lot of silences, comfortable silence, but still, silence. it's just the way it is.
and now i know why people get married so soon after they start working, cause it must be really nice to have someone to come home to. a permanent date, a guaranteed good time. even if it means just sitting around eating ice cream and talking. it's a good time because someone chose to do that instead of anything else, because they wanted to spend time with you.
i would really love to have someone to come home to. but i know that won't happen this year, because my life just isn't set up that way.
i already feel so alone and it sucks.
maybe i just need a dog or something. just some love. some warm, real love.
but that wouldn't be fair to the dog because i would probably neglect it. so it's probably better that i don't have a husband or a boyfriend or even a friend, because loving me is going to be a huge sacrifice this year.
so tonight i'm not thinking about the 39 year old man with down's syndrome and necrotizing testicles whose dressings i have to change everyday, or the 21 year old woman who was shot just inches above her subclavian artery or the woman who was hit by a car while walking home who is struggling or the man whose lungs look so white they barely look alive. i'm thinking about how impossible i just made it for anyone to love me. that is what is dominating my worries on my first real day as a doctor...how will anyone even think their precious time is worth investing in me. a depressing thought, i know, but one which you can only understand if you're a single woman about to become a surgeon. it's nothing like grey's anatomy people. it really isn't.
the scalpel really isn't sexy, not if you're a woman.
time has different meanings throughout different points in life.
time is something i value now more than i ever have.
today was my first day of work in the hospital as a doctor.
i woke up this morning at 5:45 and drove to work missing a multiple myeloma walk that i spent the last 2 weeks helping plan. i missed it so that i could learn how to run the surgical intensive care unit, by myself, if needed.
at 11am i was released from duty and given tomorrow (sunday) off. i know that this block of time off is a huge gift and i probably won't have another juicy moment like this for a while.
so i came home with my mom, who is visiting to help make seal beach, california feel more like home. i came home to an empty bed and no one to break down my thoughts with. my parents and i talk, but we've never had the sort of relationship where we talk and talk and talk. there's a lot of silences, comfortable silence, but still, silence. it's just the way it is.
and now i know why people get married so soon after they start working, cause it must be really nice to have someone to come home to. a permanent date, a guaranteed good time. even if it means just sitting around eating ice cream and talking. it's a good time because someone chose to do that instead of anything else, because they wanted to spend time with you.
i would really love to have someone to come home to. but i know that won't happen this year, because my life just isn't set up that way.
i already feel so alone and it sucks.
maybe i just need a dog or something. just some love. some warm, real love.
but that wouldn't be fair to the dog because i would probably neglect it. so it's probably better that i don't have a husband or a boyfriend or even a friend, because loving me is going to be a huge sacrifice this year.
so tonight i'm not thinking about the 39 year old man with down's syndrome and necrotizing testicles whose dressings i have to change everyday, or the 21 year old woman who was shot just inches above her subclavian artery or the woman who was hit by a car while walking home who is struggling or the man whose lungs look so white they barely look alive. i'm thinking about how impossible i just made it for anyone to love me. that is what is dominating my worries on my first real day as a doctor...how will anyone even think their precious time is worth investing in me. a depressing thought, i know, but one which you can only understand if you're a single woman about to become a surgeon. it's nothing like grey's anatomy people. it really isn't.
the scalpel really isn't sexy, not if you're a woman.
posted by heyrod at 12:13 AM
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